and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
