I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
