i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
