dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
