if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
