my phone needs a breathalizer
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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