So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
