does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
