So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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