Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
