My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
