Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
