I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
