Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
