Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
