I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
