mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
