the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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