Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
