there's paper in my vomit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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