I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
