Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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