I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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