She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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