my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
