is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
