between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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