WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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