paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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