so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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