I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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