My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
