I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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