So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
