so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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