Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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