I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
