she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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