FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
