Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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