i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
