My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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