I want to stick my p in your. b.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
