I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
