i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
