I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
