hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
