I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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