I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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