Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
